Banking will make you go blind.

COMEDY is a serious business.  Not quite as serious as cancer but serious enough that a quick search on Google reveals that the 2011 top earning Comedians in the United States banked between $10.5M (Bill Engvall) and $22.5M (Jeff Durnham).

Sure some of you are thinking, “Yeah, but that’s in American pesos. American’s are fat and stupid yeah! High five!”

Alternatively others might say, “In 2009 Jerry Seinfeld banked $85M.  Jeff Durham can lick my bung hole.”

Whatever you are thinking, stop thinking about Jeff Durham licking your bung hole. Even the most cynical person would grudgingly admit that in a double dip economy, a few million dollars shows there is still plenty of bounce in a dead cat.  

But before you deal with the NBA lockout by bouncing dead cats or swap your day job for late nights, a spotlight and a microphone, consider that for the hundreds of Comedians who regularly perform across Australia each week, pocketing a dollar can be as rare as any break into the big time.  

I’ve been watching and performing Stand Up Comedy for 10 years and when it comes to success I have learned: 1) the secret to overnight success is being around long enough to be discovered, and

2) the secret to being around long enough is being around long enough.

Hitting the “big time” often comes after years of managing your career as a Comedian.  If everybody achieved instant success then you would probably want to fail at something else.  Nonetheless, managing a long career in Comedy is the same as managing a long career as a small business.  Managing cash flow, credit and levels of gearing are just as fundamental as writing, performing, chasing gigs and battling hecklers.

Merchandise, marketing, productions and promotions are all upfront expenses that Comedians must invest in if they want to be around long enough to be an overnight success. The lesson not often taught in Comedy schools is that in the world of Comedy cash is king.  Also, your motivation to become a celebrity is that "celebrity" gets you better credit and lending opportunities.  This last point is an assumption because I'm not a celebrity but I figure it is the case when I watch celebrities get offered top range free shit the rest of us no names have to pay for. 

Obviously some Comedians deal with the business side of Comedy better than others but the bottom line is that as a Comedian you will rely on credit and loans to get you through, which means, dealing with the Banks. 

My worst moments in Comedy include being chased of stage by a knife wielding bikie, the 9^th of September 2006 and applying to various Banks for finance. Some applications have been successful, others horrendous. Here are 5 reasons why, as a Comedian,  I hate dealing with Banks:

1. What is your occupation? You might as well put Jedi for all the credibility that Comedian engenders in a loan or credit application.  Ironically the person processing the application thinks you’re funny for listing “Comedian” as your occupation, but those people are rarely the arbiter of good taste. 

2. Declaring your credit history: Your credit history always looks ugly. It never looks pretty. If you think your credit history looks great in a bikini let me assure you, it doesn’t. It looks like Susan Boyle’s bikini line. If you can list your full credit history honestly and accurately and not cringe or strangle a puppy with your hands, then you Sir (or Lady) are a LIAR!

3. Swallowing artistic credibility: I have made a lot of people laugh by calling banks money grabbing cock suckers.  It is an easy laugh cause we all know that they are. It is a bitter pill to swallow, no pun intended, when groveling to them for cash.

4. Ignoring the “happy customer” advertisements: I’m attuned to pointing out mixed messages: If everybody loved banking, banks need not consistently remind me that everybody is happy to deal with them!  I know you are owned by blood sucking cock sucking vampires (see point above) just stop making me enter Hell bouncing on pogo stick stuck up my date when I enter your “shop front.”

5. Disclosing your home address: I used to put my Mum’s place because “on my mate’s couch” or “In the gutter looking up at the stars” were not generally accepted.

Random Acts of Kindness

Science says that the proof is in the pudding (it really does, google it). However, if you share that pudding, the proof is actually in the smiles of those who share it with you, irrespective if the pudding tastes good or if the person who is eating it suffocates from an anaphylactic fit.

Kindness is more than just an expression of human emotion, it is now an essential life tool.  Where previously being kind seemed just like the done thing do to, it is now a scientific phenomenon. Scientific research show us that kindness allows people to achieve optimum health, wellbeing and happiness.  Scientists have revealed that being kind to people boosts the immune system, improves physical and emotional wellbeing and stimulates the brain. Incredibly, being kind not just one dimensional, as those who benefit from your generosity also gain.  People who witness acts of kindness are also inspired to perform acts of kindness, which proves that like herpes, kindness is contagious and should not always be revealed when you first meet someone.

Being kind is now also good for business. Corporate arsehole scumbags are now having kindness measures inserted up their key performance indicators. Blown away by the scientific evidence, it seems that taking time out of each day to be kind is a great way to improve the bottom line (especially if you have fat arse).

However, bugger the science (or break it's heart with a harsh SMS, I leave it upto you). I don't need an egg head telling me being kind is five miles down the road of goodness. I trust what I see people say & I listen to what they do.  Yesterday I did my own "experiment" and spent the morning down at my local café buying ten people their morning coffees. Here is my pudding. 

“I was having such a terrible morning. I could not decide which village I needed to have slaughtered and then I lost my coffee loyalty card, I was a due a free one today.  Your kindness has spared the lives of a 1000 people.” Father of two, Mummar Gaddafi.

“Every morning I perm my hair and then listen to the cries of my people as they starve slowly to death. This is my morning routine. But a free coffee beats that hands down. Thanks, you did what the cries of starving children could not do, put a smile on my face.” - Unemployed Actor, Kim Jong il   

“A free coffee taste so much better than one made in abomination of a same sex marriage.  I thought you were kidding when you said it was free.  I’m not used to charitable acts of kindness.” Baby Eater, The Rev Fred Nile.

“For me? Thanks. What a nice surprise. The grey clouds were bringing me down and not even strangling Ewoks was making me feel better.  I think I’ll go out and do something nice.” Executive Assistant, Darth Vader.

“I don’t usually drink coffee, it gets up my nose. Can I have an immortal soul instead? Just kidding. Nagini, down.” Bank Manager, Lord Voldemort

 “A free coffee? Why thanks. Training children death squads tires me out.  I need a strong caffinee hit in the morning. I might take the day off.” Bad Motherfucker, Thomas Lubanga

“A free coffee is the bomb, thanks. At 5pm, don’t be anywhere near….” Part time office worker, Anwar al-Awlaki

“Nobody has ever been kind to me.  Is this a human trick? I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before, is this what an erection feels like?” Bank Teller, Megatron

“I was suspicious at first because there’s always strings attached, but this is truly a free coffee.  I feel really good.  Your family will be safe.” Elvis Presley Impersonator, Robert Mugabe.

“Thanks buddy, I didn’t expect a coffee! I spent my last dollar on a condom. I didn’t mean too, but I was horny as hell and the chick I was with was wetter than a Bangladeshi monsoon.” Call Centre Manager, Pope Benedict.

Proverbs, are not a left wing conspiracy.

Are you familiar with the saying, “Feed a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime." If not, let me assue you the expression is not part of a slick marketing campaign for Birds Eye Fish Fingers.

This little bit of wisdom is otherwise known as a proverb.  Proverbs, are not a left wing conspiracy or an underground political movement. Proverbs are an often repeated saying that express some sort of truth. For example:

 

• A stitch in time saves nine;
• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush;
• You can lead a horse to water, but let the jockey ride in the Melbourne Cup.

 

Proverbs have been with us for thousands of years. The fish proverb is commonly used and referenced as originating in ancient China. How ancient? Well it is hard to say as it could have originated before fake Nike Air Jordans or after the invention of Dim Sims. However, like Dani Minogue’s celebrity status, nobody is quite sure from whence it came but it persists and is here to stay.

 

There are two levels of wisdom/truth being conveyed by the fish proverb (or " fush bro" proverb if you are a Kiwi).  The simplistic view is that people eat fish/fush bro. The more complicated view is that teachers don’t loose their jobs in a global financial crisis (I told you it was complicated).

 

While important people encouraged you to use proverbs, you should take care when and where you express the fish proverb.  For example, you should probably refrain from using it while attending fish markets.  It is also a good idea to avoid using it in discussions regarding the redrawing of NSW Marine Park boundaries. Saying it in an Australian accent while visiting New Zealand is also likely to create confushion.

 

You could use the fish proverb at the footy or even at your next parent teaching meeting (especially if your kid is a little arsehole), I’ll leave it up to you.  People often have a hard time accepting the truth, so exercise its use at your discretion (note, discretion is not a gym).

 

Whether or not you use or misuse the fish proverb it will persist for many years.  While the age and exact origin remains unknown (notwithstanding the investigations of Queensland State of Origin rugby league selectors), you can safely assume it did not originate during the Industrial Age, otherwise it may have been expressed as: “Feed a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime (which surely will end with mercury poisoning.)"

The Truth about Cats and Dogs

Hands up if you keep dogs as pets? What about cats! Who keeps cats?

Me, I keep neither. I have no pets. I have kids or children (if you want to be politically correct). I have two children under the age of two. Are they boys are they girls, it does not matter. All you need be concerned with is to know that they are evil, smell funny and cannot light their own cigarettes. 

Every day on my way to work I get my morning coffee.  Before I had children I always looked awesome, fashionably dressed, well groomed and smelling like cinnamon sticks.  I stood among other customers, smiling, refreshed and looking forward to the day.

Now and after becoming a parent, I look terrible. I scowl and jitter. I have large dark bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. My clothes are mismatched, wrinkled and flecks of baby spew congeal and dry on my once fashionable v-neck jumper. More often than not there is baby poo wedged under my fingers nails.  I’m tired, irritable and anger bubbles from the pores of my skin. Regular baristas are attuned to my presence and go about their business with purpose. New baristas are like, “Dude, what’s up?” To which I respond, “TWO KIDS UNDER TWO MOTHERFUCKER GIMME MY COFFEE OR I FUCKING GUT YA!”

My reaction provokes three types of responses from the people around me. Those people cool with my response most likely have or had kids. They understand, keep their distance and let me vent and fume quietly while I wait for my coffee. Those without children suspect I’m suffering a bout of turrets. Childless people are easy to identify as they nervously shuffle away, fiddle with smart phones and avoid eye contact.  

The third type of response is rare, occasional and astonishingly consistent. Occasionally after an outburst a person without any distinguishing features will respond with, “Oh we don’t have children, we have pets”. They then give me a sympathetic look as if to presume they know what the hell I’m going through, smile weakly and step aside. 

Fuelled by contempt, the red mist lowers around my eyes, “PETS?” I exclaim, “PETS!”

With all my will power I turn away lest I loose control of my arms and stab them in the face with whatever is close at hand (usually a butter knife or a table number), part of me believing I should be allowed to stab people like that in face. I breathe deeply and dream of the exchange.

Them, “I don’t have children, I have pets.”

Me, “PETS!” [STAB. STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB!]

“I guess I deserved that.”

“I believe that you did.”

“Thanks, I’ll be on my way, toodle loo!”

[STAB.]

Botoxing my testicles and the A-League

I wouldn’t be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league. — Mark Viduka

Mark Viduka is a former captain of the Australian football team, a 17 year professional footballer on two continents and is one of the greatest sportsmen Australia has ever produced.  He could also be, on the strength of this quote, a very funny stand up comedian.

While we are a quick to praise The V Bomber for his football abilities, we should also recognise that his amusing incongruous statement reflects a similar attitude often expressed by the supporters of the round ball game here in Australia, “We don’t care if the A-League doesn’t rate on television. We should still be able to watch it.”

The A-League, Australia’s professional round ball competition, appears as a very professional league. A quick search on You Tube will showcase some world class football and stellar talent.  Unfortunately the highlights are like those movie trailers where the funniest and best bits of the movie are the bits you see in the movie trailer. With all due respect to the effort and expense of all associated with bringing the A-League to my living room, pub, club or licensed venue, a 90 minute A-League fixture makes dull television.

I’m not sure which is my greatest frustration with viewing an A-League game; is it (a) waiting for something exciting to happen or (b) the clichéd commentary and production values of a budget conscious telecaster preaching to the converted and being out rated by Guthy Renker.[1]

One swallow does not make it fellatio, nor does a Grand Final penalty shoot out make it a compelling and entertaining season.  While as a Brisbane Roar supporter, 2010-2011 proved to be season as rare as a one in 100 year flood event, (is it too soon to make that reference?), it was also marked by the many conscientious attempts I made to mentally and physically keep myself interested in watching a full game (that includes botoxing my testicles and naming one Jean Carlos Solorzano and the other Kosta Barbarouses i.e. both are effective in and around the box).

Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh, but watching an A-League game fails the litmus test that is my wife. If there is one sport my wife will sit down and watch with me it is football.  If there is one sport she’ll come to the pub and watch with me, it is football.  I have dragged her to mid-night World Cup games, Cup finals and final rounds of various international leagues for 16 years. One of our first dates was going to the 1997 NSL Grand Final.

My wife dislikes watching sports, but she’ll watch football why, because it is exciting (Cristiano and Beckham don’t hurt either).  But give her 10 minutes of the A-League and even she is telling me there should be two balls on the field, the sidelines markings should be electrified and a pack of hungry lions should be periodically let loose on the field and the players given tasers.  

The next auction of the A-League broadcast rights is fast approaching and a rich and lucrative deal is essential if the domestic league is to grow.  However, as grateful as we are to Fox Sports in their generous support of the round ball game, our game must speak the language of free to air TV if the odds of securing the games future prosperity are to shorten. 

Lightening rarely strikes twice and while the minds and sensibilities of Australia pay TV executives maybe pliable to the silver tongue of Uncle Frank, there is no longer a home World Cup to build towards, economic conditions are extremely volatile and the game’s domestic future is dangling like a like limp carrot found in the bottom of my fridge’s vegetable tray. 

The game needs to entertain, clubs and franchises must seek to entertain. The delicate politics and sensitivities of the Australian football landscape must focus as one on creating a product that is entertaining.  If Brynne Edelsten can attract the attention of network TV producers why can’t our game.  That is the challenge before us.

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[1] http://www.talkingfooty.com/tv_ratings_2011.php

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