Sure some of you are thinking, “Yeah, but that’s in American pesos. American’s are fat and stupid yeah! High five!”
Alternatively others might say, “In 2009 Jerry Seinfeld banked $85M. Jeff Durham can lick my bung hole.”
Whatever you are thinking, stop thinking about Jeff Durham licking your bung hole. Even the most cynical person would grudgingly admit that in a double dip economy, a few million dollars shows there is still plenty of bounce in a dead cat.
But before you deal with the NBA lockout by bouncing dead cats or swap your day job for late nights, a spotlight and a microphone, consider that for the hundreds of Comedians who regularly perform across Australia each week, pocketing a dollar can be as rare as any break into the big time.
I’ve been watching and performing Stand Up Comedy for 10 years and when it comes to success I have learned: 1) the secret to overnight success is being around long enough to be discovered, and
2) the secret to being around long enough is being around long enough.
Hitting the “big time” often comes after years of managing your career as a Comedian. If everybody achieved instant success then you would probably want to fail at something else. Nonetheless, managing a long career in Comedy is the same as managing a long career as a small business. Managing cash flow, credit and levels of gearing are just as fundamental as writing, performing, chasing gigs and battling hecklers.
Merchandise, marketing, productions and promotions are all upfront expenses that Comedians must invest in if they want to be around long enough to be an overnight success. The lesson not often taught in Comedy schools is that in the world of Comedy cash is king. Also, your motivation to become a celebrity is that "celebrity" gets you better credit and lending opportunities. This last point is an assumption because I'm not a celebrity but I figure it is the case when I watch celebrities get offered top range free shit the rest of us no names have to pay for.
Obviously some Comedians deal with the business side of Comedy better than others but the bottom line is that as a Comedian you will rely on credit and loans to get you through, which means, dealing with the Banks.
My worst moments in Comedy include being chased of stage by a knife wielding bikie, the 9th of September 2006 and applying to various Banks for finance. Some applications have been successful, others horrendous. Here are 5 reasons why, as a Comedian, I hate dealing with Banks:
1. What is your occupation? You might as well put Jedi for all the credibility that Comedian engenders in a loan or credit application. Ironically the person processing the application thinks you’re funny for listing “Comedian” as your occupation, but those people are rarely the arbiter of good taste.
2. Declaring your credit history: Your credit history always looks ugly. It never looks pretty. If you think your credit history looks great in a bikini let me assure you, it doesn’t. It looks like Susan Boyle’s bikini line. If you can list your full credit history honestly and accurately and not cringe or strangle a puppy with your hands, then you Sir (or Lady) are a LIAR!
3. Swallowing artistic credibility: I have made a lot of people laugh by calling banks money grabbing cock suckers. It is an easy laugh cause we all know that they are. It is a bitter pill to swallow, no pun intended, when groveling to them for cash.
4. Ignoring the “happy customer” advertisements: I’m attuned to pointing out mixed messages: If everybody loved banking, banks need not consistently remind me that everybody is happy to deal with them! I know you are owned by blood sucking cock sucking vampires (see point above) just stop making me enter Hell bouncing on pogo stick stuck up my date when I enter your “shop front.”
5. Disclosing your home address: I used to put my Mum’s place because “on my mate’s couch” or “In the gutter looking up at the stars” were not generally accepted.
