Ladies, it is 2013. Anthony John (call me Tony, check out the budgie I smuggled in here) Abbott is the 28th Prime Minister of Australia. Australia, the land down under, where women swoon and men thunder. Australia, where women outnumber men in every state except Western Australia and the Northern Territory, only because in WA and the NT, men are men and women are men too.
Australia, where women outlive men by at least 4 years. Women, who earn less money than men, who are worse off in retirement than men and who are in fact, smarter than men (at least academically). Women you have a new Minister. Ladies and I hope you're wearing undies, because you may slide of your chair when you hear that, Anthony John (call me Tony, check out this lump in my bike pants) Abbott is your new Minister! Hey, where did all the women go...I guess they all needed to pee.
Ladies, are we back in your seats, some decorum please, Anthony John (call me Tony, hey here's a photo of me coming...out of the surf) Abbott, 28th Prime Minister of Australia, understands women. Tony is married to a woman and has three daughters, who are women (and what women they are, wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Tony has women who work for him. In fact, Tony does not deny he may have had sex with women. Tony Abbott is taking his role as Minister for Woman very seriously, so seriously he has appointed Michaelia Cash, a woman, to assist him as Minister for Woman. You can rest assured, that as an assistant Minister, Michaelia Cash, does not earn as much as a Minister.
Now, Anthony John (call me Tony, check out my popular poll) Abbott has asked me to convey 10 important messages to you. A list of 10 priority actions that he wishes to focus on in his role as Minister for the Ladies, over the next four years. Now, for the last time, is everybody wearing undies? Good let's go.
#1 - Women can only have one Vagina.
Ladies, shush. Listen up. The problem with stem cell research and genetic engineering is that one day, we may find a cure for every disease known to mankind. We may also learn how to create a woman with two vaginas. By focusing on this key message, we will be able to direct our limited research dollars into things we need, like robotic vacuum clearners and pretty dresses.
#2 - All Ladies are expected to work, but only in jobs I believe they are a good at.
Tony is as disappointed as anyone (excluding women) that there is only one woman in his inner cabinet. However, if there was more than one woman in cabinet then we run the risk of them syncing their cycles and how will anything get done?
#3 - Women are not equal.
Tony has always said that woman are not equal. Women are more like sugar. You know as in 'To much sugar makes your dick hard', ha, ha.
#4 - Virginity is a Gift.
Ladies your virginity is a gift. Tony believes this with his whole heart. Gifts are important. When you give your away, make sure the box you give it in is clean, shaved and wrapped in a bow.
#5 - Abortion is the easy way out.
Many ladies struggle to get pregnant. They spend so much time in bars and miniskirts trying to get pregnant and then when they do, they think, 'This is going to be hard, I'm getting an abortion. Where's that abortion app on my phone? You know Jenny got an abortion the other day over the internet, abortions are sooooo easy, something something, something, there's a sale on at Aldi, woohoo!" Ladies, take the hard road.
#6 - Always look your best.
Ladies always look good. Need I say more. It is for this reason Tony cannot have more than one woman in his cabinet. It's just not fair that he should make more than one woman care about how she appears in front of him at cabinet meetings.
#7 - Ladies can only have 1 Vagina.
I believed we have covered this one already, but it's worth saying again.
#8 - Find Husbands
Ladies you'll never find a husband at an abortion centre. If you do, chances are it won't work out. This is good advice.
#9 - Don't ask for equal pay.
Listen, Tony would love to give you a hard, long and tumescent pay packet, equal to that of men. He'd also like to have more women in his cabinet, like he does in the one he keeps under the stairs at home. But don't ask him to take money of hard working men who need the money to buy something pretty and shinny for you. It's just not fair.
#10 - One Vagina.
I cannot repeat this enough, women can only have one vagina. Now, who can make me a cup of tea?
About Me
- Desh
- Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
- The Aussiest South African Indian Comedian in the World! This blog will always contain attempts at humour. Other times it will take ill thought out logic and present it as an afflatus of self prophecy, whatever that means.
Saturday, 21 September 2013
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Press Release for Exploring Uranus
TheDeshman Presents
The Aussiest South African Indian Stand Up Comedian in the WORLD in his now solo show
“Exploring Uranus”
4 Shows at the Sit Down Comedy Club, Paddington, Brisbane
Sunday night: 1st, 8th, 15th and 22nd September 2013.
2 Shows at the Brisbane Comedy Fringe Festival, The Loft, West End
Friday 6th and Saturday 7th September 2013
Stand Up Comedian Desh is launches his probing new solo standup comedy show, Exploring Uranus.
Exploring Uranus sets itself on an interplanetary collision course with political correctness. In the Hadron Collider world of live stand up comedy, Desh takes on political correctness and dismantles it with a sledge hammer of ‘laugh so hard I peed my pants’ insults, third world street fighting trash talk and ‘OMG I can’t believe he just said that & I’m laughing’ punch lines just to prove his theory that laughing at politically incorrect jokes does not make you a bad person, that is, assuming you are not an A-hole.
Question: Desh, is there topics or subjects you won’t make fun of or consider taboo?
Answer: Of course there is, but I can’t say what those subjects or topics are because the list changes daily. Trying to pre-empt what could be funny and what can’t be funny is like saying, I’m a vegetarian, but I’ll eat fish occasionally. WTF! You’re not a vego, you’re an A-hole.
Question: Why take on political correctness. Why is PC important to you?
Answer: Because actions speak louder than words. The fuel for action is intent and intent is in our head and heart. If you tell a racist joke and the intent of the joke is to belittle the subject of that joke then you are a racist. If you tell a racist joke because the intent is for a higher purpose say, point out ignorance or intolerance, then tell the freaking joke! Context is important and the context of my show is to make people laugh and feel good about themselves and others. If people are offended by the words used to make a higher point, then they’re A-holes too!
Exploring Uranus can be seen for a limited season at the:
- Sit Down Comedy Club, Paddington Tavern, Sunday nights, September 1th, 8th, 15th and 22nd September. Tickets available through the Sit Down Comedy Club, on line at www.standup.com.au
and at
- Brisbane Comedy Fringe Festival, Friday 6th and Saturday 7th September 2013, Tickets available through www.brisbanefringecomedy.com.au
Profile picture and show poster are attached. Contact details to arrange interviews are found at the top of the release. Reviewers welcome, please make contact prior to attending.
Desh’s diverse sense of humour, self introspection and shredding analysis of societies ills has seen him feature on network television shows such as The NRL Footyshow and Rove, providing expert commentary for SBS on the Eurovision Song Contest and featuring on their sports themed quiz program The Squiz. Desh also made an appearance on the ABC's Hungry Beast and received critical acclaim for his comedy work from Australian comedy doyen Andrew Denton. Recently Desh featured as a guest (along with Tim Flannery (Australian of the Year) and Chris Taylor (The Chaser)) on Dan Ilic’s radio show, A Rational Fear. Earlier this year Desh was featured in the Sunday Mail’s Sunday Magazine and TV’s Today Tonight because of his good relationship with his Mother-In-Law, why, because he is not an A-hole.
Check out clips on Youtube, search 'Desh Comedian'. See Poster for social media links.
Thursday, 6 June 2013
My thoughts on throwing sandwiches at Julia Gillard
Thursday 6th of June is Queensland Day. On this day in 1859, Queen Victoria, the English monarch Queensland honours, granted her approval for the then colony of Queensland to be self governing. June 6th is effectively the State of Queensland's birthday. Happy Birthday Queensland, you don't look a day over 32, apart from the deep gaping bloody hole in your face from where the coal comes from.
Fast forward 154 years, 6th June 2013 is 100 days until September 14th, the day of the Australian Federal Election. September 14th 2013, in my mind, will be remembered as the Slaughter of the Australian Labor Party, the ascension of Anthony John "Tony" Abbott as Prime Minister of Australia and the day things really went shit for the country. Short of an alien invasion, there is little to save Federal Labor from a electoral massacre that would make George R R Martin cringe.
Reports from Canberra indicate that Labor Parliamentarians are resigned to their fate. Whispers of a leadership challenge are becoming an audible murmur. KRudd has been clearly marked as the hearthstone from which Labor's phoenix shall rise but nothing is certain. Nothing is certain except that Australia's first female Prime Minister Julia Gillard is quite possibly the only Australian who could reasonably be cast as a no make up special effects required zombie character in The Walking Dead. She is by all reports and polls, very unpopular. How unpopular?
Julia Gillard is so unpopular, Morman missionaries see her and cross the street.
Julia Gillard is sooooo unpopular, people mistake her for Pauline Hanson.
Julia Gillard is sooooooooooo unpopular, Australian school kids are throwing their sandwiches at her. THEIR SANDWICHES!
Whatever you may feel about Julia Gillard, watching school kids pelt vegemite and salami sandwiches at her is just sad and undignified.
My own thoughts on sandwich throwing are:
a) I wonder if those kids made their own sandwiches for lunch and
b) clearly these kids are not Indian. As certain as Labor's demise is, no Indian kid would ever be caught throwing their school lunch.
Everyday my Mother made my school lunch. It was not that I was incapable of making my lunch (which I was) or that it was expected. In an Indian household a mother shows love for her children by ensuring that they are well fed. To reject a Mother's food is a sin that would result in swift beating (that is to be specific, a lovingly swift beating). A fat chubby Indian kid is a kid who is dearly loved by his mother. That is not to say that a skinny Indian kids are not loved. If you see a skinny Indian kid know this, his mother's smile is masking a severe psychological crisis as to why her love for her child does not manifest itself into chubby fat rolls.
My childhood household was no different to any other Indian child's household (for the record I was a fat baby, skinny child and now rotund adult) and there is little doubt in my mind that if my Mother were to have found out that I had thrown my school lunch sandwiches at anyone (let alone the Prime Minister), I would have had the brown slapped from my skin. I would have been beaten white! I would have been pulled up by ear and told in no uncertain terms that I had brought shame on my family and for weeks afterwards, when I walked into a room where my Mother was sitting, my Mother would look at me in silence, let forth a deep and long sigh, sadly shake her head and then look to her lap. There is no greater humiliation for an Indian boy than for his mother not to look lovingly upon him and had I been one of those sandwich throwing monkey's bum of a kid, that would have been my fate. In my Mother's mind, whoever threw their lunch sandwiches at the Prime Minister, totally disrespected their mother.
It is also worth noting that it is a strange twist of circumstances in that we have seen shoes and boots thrown at former Prime Minister John Howard and sandwiches thrown at Julia Gillard. I wonder in the years ahead, what will ever be thrown at Tony Abbott? A dead wombat? Board shorts? Germaine Greer? Some might argue that I am repeating myself as a dead wombat and Germaine Greer are the same thing. Why are people so unkind (maybe they are Eddie McGuire).
In the future I might find myself moved to throw something at Tony Abbott as he passes by. I'm not sure what it will be (or if I will ever get close enough), but whatever the object, one thing is for sure, it will be something that will make my Mother proud.
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
A Letter to David Koch
Since Friday I have been astounded by the reaction to David Koch's comments on breastfeeding in public. While it is not surprising that an unsupportive comment, opinion or view on breastfeeding espoused by a media personality is likely to polarise the community into people who care and people who think, "what do you care what that idiot says, get on with your life", the media coverage, to my frustration, is yet to move on.
What astounds me is that comment is skirting and dancing around the crux of the issue, which is, do we have any right telling a woman how and when she should use her body. For my mind, this point is lost in the cacaphony and eagerness to crucifying David Koch, to agree with his view but reject his poor choice of words and or make a stand for mothers who breastfeed in public. As such I present my thoughts in an open letter to David Koch.
"Dear David,
There is a simple inverse duality to life. Rupert Murdoch will often rail against threats to democracy, freedom fighers will often become dictators and dicks will often make comments about boobs. In the last instance I am referring to your "opinion" on women breast feeding in public (as reported here).
Before I am accused of quoting you out of context, let me provide the context.
Australian Breakfast TV Producers strive for rating success and popularity by pairing a sharper than a samarai sword smart attractive female cohost (who rarely says anything stupid) with a handsome, charming, even rakish good looking larrikan (or loon) of a bloke capable of making buffoonish and dickish comments. Does this sound familiar to you?
When the aforemention larrikin/loon makes a particularly buffoonish/dickish comment, the female cohost will earn every single dollar she is paid by presenting a classy, strong, credible and supporting (while simultaneously distancing herself from the larikin/loon's comments) presence, while the larrikan/loon makes a faux sincere apology like, 'I'm sorry if anybody took offense to my comments, but you know I was just expressing my opinion. I have a right to express my opinion and people have the right to disagree with it, this what makes Australia great, Aussie Aussie Aussie!" Have I got the context in perspective?
In my view there are more important things to form an opinion on as to if and how mothers should breastfeed in public. No, wait. Let me back up. There is no opinion on mothers breastfeeding in public, there are only facts. That is, there are questions for which each has only one answer.
Should a woman be allowed to breast feed in public? The answer is Yes.
Does anybody have the right to tell or opine as to how a woman must use her or where should use her body? The answer is No.
Is there a analogous bodily function or activity that you could use to explain an opinion on breastfeeding in public (e.g like topless sunbathing)? (Hint: the answer is NO!).
There is nothing taboo about breastfeeding in public. There is nothing exhibitionist about breastfeeding in public, there is nothing immoral, there is nothing illegal, there is nothing primitive, there is nothing uncivilised, there is nothing confronting, there is nothing to be ashamed about, there is no reason whatsoever to form an opinion for or against the subject. There is only fact. There is a hungry baby and the food to feed it is in a boob, a breast, a chest pillow, a fun bag, you get the picture or am I being to progressive for you?
In anticipation of your response, would I feel differently if women had nipples on their arseholes? No.
Would I feel differently if women had nipples on their elbows? No
Would I feel differently if women had a nipple on their testicles? WTF? Is that possible? If so, the answer is still NO!
We men, larrikans and loons, no matter our own personal views, parenting status, moral standing, prejudices or preferences, have no right to whatsoever tell a woman how and when she must use her body. If the mother is placing the baby's life or other people lives in danger, then sure, make a stand, but in all other instances go about your day.
If you are the type of person who feels confronted by a woman breastfeeding her child in public, if you feel the need to form an opinion because you feel that socitey's morality is threatened, or that civilised socitey is taking a step closer to the precipice, or you think it just looks icky, then I suggest you do the following. Go and order yourself a cool refreshing glass of HARDEN THE FUCK UP!
Stop aggravating breastfeeding mothers with your "opinion" and go and staple shut your pink bits (pink bits are gender neutral term).
Kind Regards
Desh, The Aussiest South African Indian Comedian in the World.
ps. You know that your ignorance makes you look fat? It does you know."
Monday, 21 January 2013
The Economy, "I'll be back!"
The Liberal Party of Australia would have you believe that the productivity of the Australian worker is so depressed that not even Christopher Pyne in fishnet stockings and high heels dancing Gangnam style would raise spirits (click here for the story #).
Greg Jerico points out that Liberal assertions of productivity slumps have as much base in reality as say, Gina Rhienhart's opinion on anything (see here *), so the obvious question I believe people should be asking is, what affects productivity?
Productivity, can be defined as the Ivity of Product. It is a term first coined by little known but globally influential 19th Centuary Australian Economystic, Brian Bruce Bunyipballs. (Economystic = Economist, I should know as I am studying to become one.)
Brian Bruce Bunyipballs first theorised and proved that workers produce more Ivity when they get all jiggity. He was also the first person to suggest that the thingamybob is next to the watchamacallit. Brian Bruce received a Nobel prize in 1873, which is remarkable given the awarding of Nobel prizes commenced in 1901.
My own expertise in Economics was fostered and developed after reading a bag full of Fantails one afternoon while waiting for a bus. Immediately thereafter I was appointed to the position of Chief Economist of the Swiss based merchant bank, Jews'bankhere! I sat in the Chief Economists chair for 12 years and only left when the real Chief Economist returned from the toilet. However, let us return to the question of, what affects productivity?
In my experience childcare centres are the single biggest impact on the productivity of Australian workers. Childcare centres are reponsible for more Australian workers being less productive than a Sydney Eastern Suburbs Princess, a North Shore Housewife or a Central Coast teenage mother.
Childcare centres are biohazards responsible for the breeding and distribution of pharmuceutical retardant chills, colds, flus and bowel flipping stomach bugs that Chemical Ali could have only ever dreamed of unleashing on the Kurds.
Each year, thousands of Australian businesses fail to make ends meet as their workers slump, infected by a storm of biblical pestilience, incubated in childcare centres. Orders are not fulfilled, keyboards gather dust and even Facebook notes a downturn in "At work, wish I was somewhere else, my boss is a dick" status updates.
A diseased child can kill millions. Children bite, spit, kiss, lick, shit and piss where and when they please. If you put a diseased child in an Australian childcare centre on Monday, by Wednesday people are feeling sick and by Friday, The Walking Dead! There is no fate than what we make. You all think Whitney Houston drowned because of a drug overdose, wrong! Whitney died because she regretted perpetuating the myth that children are our future! Children are death in cute overalls.
Is there is a more effective delivery vehicle for biological warfare than a child? North Korea is spending billions of whatever they call money (is it Freedom Bullets, Dongbongs or Ricebubbles?) developing and perfecting technology to deliver death to the West. Yet their most effective biological warfare delivery system i.e their children, are dying from malnutrition and starvation. Forget perfecting a 3 staged low orbiting missle! Send the West a cute but diseased kid with a round face, squishy eyes and a backstory the heart melting equivalent of a kitten playing a piano. We'd be defenseless against such weaponary. DEFENSLESS!
After four years of sending my children to childcare, I have survived. Sure I'm broke, have no credit rating and virtually unemployable because of all the days of work I have missed, but after all that I can say that my immune system is the equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's right, my immune system smokes cigars, screws maids and recites corny lines in action movies.
Arnie, his fame, wealth, power and starability can be attributed to two things (1) building muscle mass; and (2) superbly delivered one liners. Is there a greater role model for being productive than Arnold Schwarzenegger, I do not think so. In fact it is commonly observed that Arnie possess all of the three C's for success: confidence, charisma and concisessness.
Have you read Arnie's biography**? No, neither has he, but it is 10 centimeters thick and weighs 5 kilograms. It is literally, a heavy read, a weighty tome, a mental and physical workout in one.
Someone once told Arnie that the pen is mightier than the sword. Arnie took that in, thought about it and then wrote a book so thick it could crush the skull of a Predator, that is how he is one of the most productive people on the planet. Always remember what Arnie once said about children, they're horrible. Now please, get back to work.
Monday, 14 January 2013
A letter to the Editor, Public Service Managers are not Robots
It has been a few months since I've posted a blog, but in fairness I have been busy. When I say busy, I mean busier than a tattooist located next to a TAFE College. Busier than blacklisted pharmacist outside a private school toilet. Busier than a one armed man dressed a pokie machine during Halloween. If you haven't got the picture, I've been very busy.
In 2013 I hope to make more of an effort to blog and post my contrived and witless attempts at humor. To start off the new year, here is a copy of an email I sent to the Editor of The Courier Mail.
"Dear Editor,
On the 12th January 2013 the Courier Mail published, on the front page, an article under the headline, "Panic in the ranks as axe cuts public sector". Online, the story was labelled as an Exclusive! For your reference the article can be found here:
In summary, the article noted that documents obtained under Right to Information revealed the pressures and issues faced by public service managers as they responded to meeting the 20% public service job reduction targets of the Newman Government (cuts delivered some 6 months ago). Public service managers: considered a number of ways to meet the job cut targets; ways to address staff concerns directed to Ministers; and detailed impacts of the cutbacks on staff moral and health and government operations.
I write to you seeking a response to three questions, to which I felt your article did not clearly answer.
Question 1. What makes this article an EXCLUSIVE? Is this article an EXCLUSIVE because:
a) Yours was the only news organisation to make the Right to Information request?
b) Other organisations made Right to Information requests, but the government only exclusively responded to you?
c) Only your reporters were able to exclusively idenitfy that Queensland public servic managers are not robots but human beings able to exhibit real human emotions such as fear, apprehension, frustration and concern for the welfare of their staff?
a) Made rash, cowardly or otherwise regrettable decisions?
b) Sat under their desks, embrace the foetal position and ask for their Mummy, Nanny or state appionted carer?
c) Did not really panic at all but undertook their jobs as professionally trained human beings and not robots, exhibiting real human emotions such as fear, apprehension, frustration and concern for the welfare of their staff?
a) That pursuant to warnings of self harm, the newly elected government prioritized meeting a set of politically spurious economic benchmarks rather than looking after the interests and welfare of the people who voted them into government?
b) It was published in your newspaper, beneath a photo of a jockey who happened to be riding in the Magic Millions racing carnival, a racing carnival that nobody really gives a shit about but is associated with the owners of Harvey Norman who regularly advertise in your paper?
c) There is a widely held view that Queensland public servic managers are robots unable to exhibit real human emotions such as fear, apprehension, frustration and concern for the welfare of their staff?
I look forward to your reply. Notwithstanding your response to my questions, my personal view is that you should have gone with the headline, "QLD Public Service Managers are not ROBOTS!"
Desh, the Aussiest South African Indian Comedian in the World. "
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