A Letter to David Koch

Since Friday I have been astounded by the reaction to David Koch's comments on breastfeeding in public. While it is not surprising that an unsupportive comment, opinion or view on breastfeeding espoused by a media personality is likely to polarise the community into people who care and people who think, "what do you care what that idiot says, get on with your life",  the media coverage, to my frustration, is yet to move on. 

What astounds me is that comment is skirting and dancing around the crux of the issue, which is, do we have any right telling a woman how and when she should use her body.  For my mind, this point is lost in the cacaphony and eagerness to crucifying David Koch, to agree with his view but reject his poor choice of words and or make a stand for mothers who breastfeed in public. As such I present my thoughts in an open letter to David Koch.

"Dear David,

There is a simple inverse duality to life.  Rupert Murdoch will often rail against threats to democracy, freedom fighers will often become dictators and dicks will often make comments about boobs. In the last instance I am referring to your "opinion" on women breast feeding in public (as reported here).

Before I am accused of quoting you out of context, let me provide the context. 

Australian Breakfast TV Producers strive for rating success and popularity by pairing a sharper than a samarai sword smart attractive female cohost (who rarely says anything stupid) with a handsome, charming, even rakish good looking larrikan (or loon) of a bloke capable of making buffoonish and dickish comments. Does this sound familiar to you?

When the aforemention larrikin/loon makes a particularly buffoonish/dickish comment, the female cohost will earn every single dollar she is paid by presenting a classy, strong, credible and supporting (while simultaneously distancing herself from the larikin/loon's comments) presence, while the larrikan/loon makes a faux sincere apology like, 'I'm sorry if anybody took offense to my comments, but you know I was just expressing my opinion. I have a right to express my opinion and people have the right to disagree with it, this what makes Australia great, Aussie Aussie Aussie!"  Have I got the context in perspective?

In my view there are more important things to form an opinion on as to if and how mothers should breastfeed in public.  No, wait.  Let me back up.  There is no opinion on mothers breastfeeding in public, there are only facts. That is, there are questions for which each has only one answer.

Should a woman be allowed to breast feed in public? The answer is Yes.

Does anybody have the right to tell or opine as to how a woman must use her or where should use her body? The answer is No.

Is there a analogous bodily function or activity that you could use to explain an opinion on breastfeeding in public (e.g like topless sunbathing)? (Hint: the answer is NO!).

There is nothing taboo about breastfeeding in public.  There is nothing exhibitionist about breastfeeding in public, there is nothing immoral, there is nothing illegal, there is nothing primitive, there is nothing uncivilised, there is nothing confronting, there is nothing to be ashamed about, there is no reason whatsoever to form an opinion for or against the subject.  There is only fact.  There is a hungry baby and the food to feed it is in a boob, a breast, a chest pillow, a fun bag, you get the picture or am I being to progressive for you?

In anticipation of your response, would I feel differently if women had nipples on their arseholes? No.

Would I feel differently if women had nipples on their elbows? No

Would I feel differently if women had a nipple on their testicles? WTF? Is that possible? If so, the answer is still NO!

We men, larrikans and loons, no matter our own personal views, parenting status, moral standing, prejudices or preferences, have no right to whatsoever tell a woman how and when she must use her body. If the mother is placing the baby's life or other people lives in danger, then sure, make a stand, but in all other instances go about your day. 

If you are the type of person who feels confronted by a woman breastfeeding her child in public, if you feel the need to form an opinion because you feel that socitey's morality is threatened, or that civilised socitey is taking a step closer to the precipice, or you think it just looks icky, then I suggest you do the following. Go and order yourself a cool refreshing glass of HARDEN THE FUCK UP!

Stop aggravating breastfeeding mothers with your "opinion" and go and staple shut your pink bits (pink bits are gender neutral term). 

Kind Regards

Desh, The Aussiest South African Indian Comedian in the World.

ps. You know that your ignorance makes you look fat? It does you know."

The Economy, "I'll be back!"

The Liberal Party of Australia would have you believe that the productivity of the Australian worker is so depressed that not even Christopher Pyne in fishnet stockings and high heels dancing Gangnam style would raise spirits (click here for the story #).

Picture: Artistic Interpretation of Christopher Pyne MP, Member of the Liberal Party of Australia, Federal Member for Sturt, Shadow Minister for Education, Apprenticeships and Training, Manager of Opposition Business in the House of Representative.

Greg Jerico points out that Liberal assertions of productivity slumps have as much base in reality as say, Gina Rhienhart's opinion on anything (see here *), so the obvious question I believe people should be asking is, what affects productivity?

Productivity, can be defined as the Ivity of Product.  It is a term first coined by little known but globally influential 19th Centuary Australian Economystic, Brian Bruce Bunyipballs.  (Economystic = Economist, I should know as I am studying to become one.) 

Brian Bruce Bunyipballs first theorised and proved that workers produce more Ivity when they get all jiggity. He was also the first person to suggest that the thingamybob is next to the watchamacallit. Brian Bruce received a Nobel prize in 1873, which is remarkable given the awarding of Nobel prizes commenced in 1901.

My own expertise in Economics was fostered and developed after reading a bag full of Fantails one afternoon while waiting for a bus. Immediately thereafter I was appointed to the position of Chief Economist of the Swiss based merchant bank, Jews'bankhere! I sat in the Chief Economists chair for 12 years and only left when the real Chief Economist returned from the toilet.  However, let us return to the question of, what affects productivity?

In my experience childcare centres are the single biggest impact on the productivity of Australian workers. Childcare centres are reponsible for more Australian workers being less productive than a Sydney Eastern Suburbs Princess, a North Shore Housewife or a Central Coast teenage mother. 

Childcare centres are biohazards responsible for the breeding and distribution of pharmuceutical retardant chills, colds, flus and bowel flipping stomach bugs that Chemical Ali could have only ever dreamed of unleashing on the Kurds.

Each year, thousands of Australian businesses fail to make ends meet as their workers slump, infected by a storm of biblical pestilience, incubated in childcare centres. Orders are not fulfilled, keyboards gather dust and even Facebook notes a downturn in "At work, wish I was somewhere else, my boss is a dick" status updates.

A diseased child can kill millions. Children bite, spit, kiss, lick, shit and piss where and when they please. If you put a diseased child in an Australian childcare centre on Monday, by Wednesday people are feeling sick and by Friday, The Walking Dead! There is no fate than what we make. You all think Whitney Houston drowned because of a drug overdose, wrong! Whitney died because she regretted perpetuating the myth that children are our future! Children are death in cute overalls.

Is there is a more effective delivery vehicle for biological warfare than a child? North Korea is spending billions of whatever they call money (is it Freedom Bullets, Dongbongs or Ricebubbles?) developing and perfecting technology to deliver death to the West. Yet their most effective biological warfare delivery system i.e their children, are dying from malnutrition and starvation.  Forget perfecting a 3 staged low orbiting missle! Send the West a cute but diseased kid with a round face, squishy eyes and a backstory the heart melting equivalent of a kitten playing a piano. We'd be defenseless against such weaponary. DEFENSLESS!

After four years of sending my children to childcare, I have survived.  Sure I'm broke, have no credit rating and virtually unemployable because of all the days of work I have missed, but after all that I can say that my immune system is the equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's right, my immune system smokes cigars, screws maids and recites corny lines in action movies.

Arnie, his fame, wealth, power and starability can be attributed to two things (1) building muscle mass; and (2) superbly delivered one liners.  Is there a greater role model for being productive than Arnold Schwarzenegger, I do not think so.  In fact it is commonly observed that Arnie possess all of the three C's for success: confidence, charisma and concisessness.

Have you read Arnie's biography**? No, neither has he, but it is 10 centimeters thick and weighs 5 kilograms. It is literally, a heavy read, a weighty tome, a mental and physical workout in one.

Someone once told Arnie that the pen is mightier than the sword. Arnie took that in, thought about it and then wrote a book so thick it could crush the skull of a Predator, that is how he is one of the most productive people on the planet. Always remember what Arnie once said about children, they're horrible.  Now please, get back to work.

　

A letter to the Editor, Public Service Managers are not Robots

It has been a few months since I've posted a blog, but in fairness I have been busy. When I say busy, I mean busier than a tattooist located next to a TAFE College. Busier than blacklisted pharmacist outside a private school toilet.  Busier than a one armed man dressed a pokie machine during Halloween. If you haven't got the picture, I've been very busy.

In 2013 I hope to make more of an effort to blog and post my contrived and witless attempts at humor.  To start off the new year, here is a copy of an email I sent to the Editor of The Courier Mail.

"Dear Editor,

On the 12th January 2013 the Courier Mail published, on the front page, an article under the headline, "Panic in the ranks as axe cuts public sector". Online, the story was labelled as an Exclusive! For your reference the article can be found here:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/documents-reveal-how-public-service-chiefs-panicked-as-axe-fell/story-e6freon6-1226552168056

In summary, the article noted that documents obtained under Right to Information revealed the pressures and issues faced by public service managers as they responded to meeting the 20% public service job reduction targets of the Newman Government (cuts delivered some 6 months ago). Public service managers: considered a number of ways to meet the job cut targets; ways to address staff concerns directed to Ministers; and detailed impacts of the cutbacks on staff moral and health and government operations.

I write to you seeking a response to three questions, to which I felt your article did not clearly answer.

Question 1. What makes this article an EXCLUSIVE? Is this article an EXCLUSIVE because:

a) Yours was the only news organisation to make the Right to Information request? 

b) Other organisations made Right to Information requests, but the government only exclusively responded to you? 

c) Only your reporters were able to exclusively idenitfy that Queensland public servic managers are not robots but human beings able to exhibit real human emotions such as fear, apprehension, frustration and concern for the welfare of their staff?

Question 2. How did public service managers PANIC? Panic, is a perjorative term but your article quotes what appears to be measured communications from managers on the implications of staff cut and ways to minimise the impacts. Did you receive information that was not published indicating managers:

a) Made rash, cowardly or otherwise regrettable decisions? 

b) Sat under their desks, embrace the foetal position and ask for their Mummy, Nanny or state appionted carer? 

c) Did not really panic at all but undertook their jobs as professionally trained human beings and not robots, exhibiting real human emotions such as fear, apprehension, frustration and concern for the welfare of their staff?

Question 3. How is this NEWS! That is, how is this "exclusive" current,  relevant to the local community or even controversial? What is the conflict that the public need to be aware of? Can you indicate if this "exclusive" is newsworthy because:

a) That pursuant to warnings of self harm, the newly elected government prioritized meeting a set of politically spurious economic benchmarks rather than looking after the interests and welfare of the people who voted them into government?

b) It was published in your newspaper, beneath a photo of a jockey who happened to be riding in the Magic Millions racing carnival, a racing carnival that nobody really gives a shit about but is associated with the owners of Harvey Norman who regularly advertise in your paper?

c) There is a widely held view that Queensland public servic managers are robots unable to exhibit real human emotions such as fear, apprehension, frustration and concern for the welfare of their staff?

I look forward to your reply. Notwithstanding your response to my questions, my personal view is that you should have gone with the headline, "QLD Public Service Managers are not ROBOTS!"

Kind regards

Desh, the Aussiest South African Indian Comedian in the World. "