The Liberal Party of Australia would have you believe that the productivity of the Australian worker is so depressed that not even Christopher Pyne in fishnet stockings and high heels dancing Gangnam style would raise spirits (click here for the story #).
Greg Jerico points out that Liberal assertions of productivity slumps have as much base in reality as say, Gina Rhienhart's opinion on anything (see here *), so the obvious question I believe people should be asking is, what affects productivity?
Productivity, can be defined as the Ivity of Product. It is a term first coined by little known but globally influential 19th Centuary Australian Economystic, Brian Bruce Bunyipballs. (Economystic = Economist, I should know as I am studying to become one.)
Brian Bruce Bunyipballs first theorised and proved that workers produce more Ivity when they get all jiggity. He was also the first person to suggest that the thingamybob is next to the watchamacallit. Brian Bruce received a Nobel prize in 1873, which is remarkable given the awarding of Nobel prizes commenced in 1901.
My own expertise in Economics was fostered and developed after reading a bag full of Fantails one afternoon while waiting for a bus. Immediately thereafter I was appointed to the position of Chief Economist of the Swiss based merchant bank, Jews'bankhere! I sat in the Chief Economists chair for 12 years and only left when the real Chief Economist returned from the toilet. However, let us return to the question of, what affects productivity?
In my experience childcare centres are the single biggest impact on the productivity of Australian workers. Childcare centres are reponsible for more Australian workers being less productive than a Sydney Eastern Suburbs Princess, a North Shore Housewife or a Central Coast teenage mother.
Childcare centres are biohazards responsible for the breeding and distribution of pharmuceutical retardant chills, colds, flus and bowel flipping stomach bugs that Chemical Ali could have only ever dreamed of unleashing on the Kurds.
Each year, thousands of Australian businesses fail to make ends meet as their workers slump, infected by a storm of biblical pestilience, incubated in childcare centres. Orders are not fulfilled, keyboards gather dust and even Facebook notes a downturn in "At work, wish I was somewhere else, my boss is a dick" status updates.
A diseased child can kill millions. Children bite, spit, kiss, lick, shit and piss where and when they please. If you put a diseased child in an Australian childcare centre on Monday, by Wednesday people are feeling sick and by Friday, The Walking Dead! There is no fate than what we make. You all think Whitney Houston drowned because of a drug overdose, wrong! Whitney died because she regretted perpetuating the myth that children are our future! Children are death in cute overalls.
Is there is a more effective delivery vehicle for biological warfare than a child? North Korea is spending billions of whatever they call money (is it Freedom Bullets, Dongbongs or Ricebubbles?) developing and perfecting technology to deliver death to the West. Yet their most effective biological warfare delivery system i.e their children, are dying from malnutrition and starvation. Forget perfecting a 3 staged low orbiting missle! Send the West a cute but diseased kid with a round face, squishy eyes and a backstory the heart melting equivalent of a kitten playing a piano. We'd be defenseless against such weaponary. DEFENSLESS!
After four years of sending my children to childcare, I have survived. Sure I'm broke, have no credit rating and virtually unemployable because of all the days of work I have missed, but after all that I can say that my immune system is the equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's right, my immune system smokes cigars, screws maids and recites corny lines in action movies.
Arnie, his fame, wealth, power and starability can be attributed to two things (1) building muscle mass; and (2) superbly delivered one liners. Is there a greater role model for being productive than Arnold Schwarzenegger, I do not think so. In fact it is commonly observed that Arnie possess all of the three C's for success: confidence, charisma and concisessness.
Have you read Arnie's biography**? No, neither has he, but it is 10 centimeters thick and weighs 5 kilograms. It is literally, a heavy read, a weighty tome, a mental and physical workout in one.
Someone once told Arnie that the pen is mightier than the sword. Arnie took that in, thought about it and then wrote a book so thick it could crush the skull of a Predator, that is how he is one of the most productive people on the planet. Always remember what Arnie once said about children, they're horrible. Now please, get back to work.
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