Tony Abbott, Minister for the Ladies.

Ladies, it is 2013.  Anthony John (call me Tony, check out the budgie I smuggled in here) Abbott is the 28th Prime Minister of Australia.   Australia, the land down under, where women swoon and men thunder.  Australia, where women outnumber men in every state except Western Australia and the Northern Territory, only because in WA and the NT, men are men and women are men too.

Australia, where women outlive men by at least 4 years. Women, who earn less money than men, who are worse off in retirement than men and who are in fact, smarter than men (at least academically). Women you have a new Minister. Ladies and I hope you're wearing undies, because you may slide of your chair when you hear that, Anthony John (call me Tony, check out this lump in my bike pants) Abbott is your new Minister! Hey, where did all the women go...I guess they all needed to pee.

Ladies, are we back in your seats, some decorum please, Anthony John (call me Tony, hey here's a photo of me coming...out of the surf) Abbott, 28th Prime Minister of Australia, understands women.  Tony is married to a woman and has three daughters, who are women (and what women they are, wink, wink, nudge, nudge).  Tony has women who work for him.  In fact, Tony does not deny he may have had sex with women. Tony Abbott is taking his role as Minister for Woman very seriously, so seriously he has appointed Michaelia Cash, a woman, to assist him as Minister for Woman.  You can rest assured, that as an assistant Minister, Michaelia Cash, does not earn as much as a Minister.

Now, Anthony John (call me Tony, check out my popular poll) Abbott has asked me to convey 10 important messages to you.  A list of 10 priority actions that he wishes to focus on in his role as Minister for the Ladies, over the next four years. Now, for the last time, is everybody wearing undies? Good let's go.

#1 - Women can only have one Vagina.

Ladies, shush. Listen up. The problem with stem cell research and genetic engineering is that one day, we may find a cure for every disease known to mankind.  We may also learn how to create a woman with two vaginas. By focusing on this key message, we will be able to direct our limited research dollars into things we need, like robotic vacuum clearners and pretty dresses.

#2 - All Ladies are expected to work, but only in jobs I believe they are a good at.

Tony is as disappointed as anyone (excluding women) that there is only one woman in his inner cabinet. However, if there was more than one woman in cabinet then we run the risk of them syncing their cycles and how will anything get done?

#3 - Women are not equal.

Tony has always said that woman are not equal.  Women are more like sugar.  You know as in 'To much sugar makes your dick hard', ha, ha.

#4 - Virginity is a Gift.

Ladies your virginity is a gift.  Tony believes this with his whole heart.  Gifts are important.  When you give your away, make sure the box you give it in is clean, shaved and wrapped in a bow.

#5 - Abortion is the easy way out.

Many ladies struggle to get pregnant.  They spend so much time in bars and miniskirts trying to get pregnant and then when they do, they think, 'This is going to be hard, I'm getting an abortion.  Where's that abortion app on my phone? You know Jenny got an abortion the other day over the internet, abortions are sooooo easy, something something, something, there's a sale on at Aldi, woohoo!" Ladies, take the hard road.

#6 - Always look your best.

Ladies always look good.  Need I say more.  It is for this reason Tony cannot have more than one woman in his cabinet.  It's just not fair that he should make more than one woman care about how she appears in front of him at cabinet meetings.

#7 - Ladies can only have 1 Vagina.

I believed we have covered this one already, but it's worth saying again.

#8 - Find Husbands

Ladies you'll never find a husband at an abortion centre. If you do, chances are it won't work out.  This is good advice.

#9 - Don't ask for equal pay.

Listen, Tony would love to give you a hard, long and tumescent pay packet, equal to that of men.  He'd also like to have more women in his cabinet, like he does in the one he keeps under the stairs at home. But don't ask him to take money of hard working men who need the money to buy something pretty and shinny for you.  It's just not fair.

#10 - One Vagina.

I cannot repeat this enough, women can only have one vagina. Now, who can make me a cup of tea?